All to be happy and yet ...

I am 37 years old, I am with my companion for three years, we will soon be three ...

My friend is attentive, understanding, patient. I should be very happy, but that's not the case at all.

The further I go, the more I feel like locking myself in, losing control of my life, losing my freedom.

For a long time I lived alone, I was an only child, anorexic between 18 and 24 years old. My mother was never loving or present, but she had her reasons, I do not blame her.

I am three months pregnant and I can not bear to hear about it. The more I move towards "happiness", the more I feel this desire to escape. I panic because for the first time in my life, I can not go back. Is this normal?

I'm choking, I can not go back to my cocoon, alone. I can not be far from judgment, nor can I control my life 100%.

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