I'm afraid to become like my mother

One imagines in thirty years with the same physical traits or character. What does this fear of looking like his aging parents hide?

Aurore Aimelet

Paloma, 31, does not want to look like her mother: "When I look at her, I see a woman who is sour, tired, aggressive, both defensive and in constant demand. I am afraid to follow the same path, because I sometimes find myself adopting the same behavior, especially towards my children. " Would the circle be so vicious that we would be doomed to reproduce the same pattern, to live the same fate? If the individual is built according to the parental model, some still see it as an antimodel. And fear for their own future.


I see myself "old"

For the psychoanalyst Brigitte Allain-Dupré, "this fear returns first to that of aging". In our societies where old age is constantly devalued, it is difficult to be enthusiastic about having the same age as mom. But our similarities, our physical resemblance confront us with the harsh reality. In front of her, we see ourselves "old". And maybe fragile. The presence of a mother whom we imagine to be invincible and who seems to us fallible now returns the image of the person we are, unconsciously, called to become. And we ask: are we going to do better? Less good? Will we also experience such a decline?

I still need to oppose

We see in our parents scarecrows that we do not want to look like, and express a need for opposition that can not be defined as such. "When he is not submissive, our positioning in the face of the parental model is rebellious, "says psychotherapist Pierre Lassus. But why remain rebellious in adulthood? To exist! "We all go through episodes of confrontation with our parents, continues Brigitte Allain-Dupré.These conflicts are structuring for the individual, who needs to oppose to assert himself. to take place, especially in adolescence, because of parents too fragile or too authoritarian, it arises later with great rivalry or remains latent but well and truly present. "

I lack of autonomy

For Pierre Lassus, "to fear to look like one of our parents or to make the same mistakes, is to miss, vis-à-vis him, of distance". Why are we related to this point? "No doubt this parent had difficulty in considering us as an autonomous subject, because he needed to project his hopes on us. it's hard to belong to us, "says the psychotherapist. It happens that, too anxious from early childhood, we have not been able to separate symbolically from our parents.So we are still living under the thumb of mom. In addition, "a woman feels that she is destined to have the same destiny as her mother because, very early, comes the idea of ​​becoming a mother in turn," adds Brigitte Allain-Dupré. A psychic conflict arises: we are "like her", but we must find our place, our role. And learn to say "I am me", while letting her be what she is.

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