I have dark thoughts since the murder of my aunt ...
A year ago, my aunt was brutally murdered (stabbed). We are still in shock and feel guilty for having left her alone. She lived in Russia, was afraid, and wanted to leave. Since her death, I have anxiety attacks, an uncontrollable fear haunts me day and night. I started having suicidal thoughts, I imagined evil spirits came to my room ... Am I crazy? I want these ideas to come out of my head. Marion, 24 years old
Marion, your evil is called guilt . You feel guilty of your aunt's terrible death, which you attribute to your inability to have made the decision that could have saved her in time. You blame yourself for leaving him alone, exposed to danger. It would be urgent to change your eyes on this event. The culprit is neither you nor your family, it's the killer who savagely stabbed . But it often happens that one feels guilty of facts that one has not committed: guilt gives us indeed a semblance of taking on events. It allows to say to oneself: "If I had acted differently, nothing would have happened". The death of a person is one of the tragedies we have not taken (unless we are the murderer).
What is atrocious in your story is that your aunt was about to leave the place where she was killed. This gives the impression that it would be enough for a little, a little, so that the murder does not take place. There is something to be afraid of ... You and your family were not alone in deciding the fate of your aunt. Her solitary existence frightened her, she felt in danger ... But being an adult, and the first concerned, it was up to him to find a solution to leave . She did not do it early enough. We know it now that it is too late.
We do not rewrite the story. However, if an assassin had not crossed his path that day, his fate was different: "No one knows the day or the hour of his death." We only have one certainty, we are mortal. And our death can happen at any time. Crossing a street By cleaning his windows. And even, simply, when eating, when the food borrows the wrong way. A soldier, who is unscathed from the battlefield, shatters his skull by falling off a ladder while harvesting the olives from his field ... Human destinies are very often absurd.
Also , there is no guarantee that had she come to live under your roof your aunt would have been spared from death : the latter is still likely to arise, and murderers, there are in all country!As you say in your own way, the devil, evil is everywhere where there are men. But do not forget the existence of the good that is also proper to humans. The anxiety that keeps you permanently is associated with your guilt.
You have "crazy" ideas: afraid of the devil, of the spirits ... This is another manifestation of your guilt. From time immemorial, myths and legends stage ghosts, terrifying creatures. According to psychoanalysis it is a way of being in relation with our missing . Even when we have nothing to do with it, we always feel guilty for not being able to prevent their death. And this feeling of being at fault comes back to us in the form of "ghosts", spirits, which our imagination makes. We ourselves attribute to them ideas of revenge, which, in all probability, they have nothing. These images frighten us but at the same time, they also allow us to believe that our disappeared have not completely disappeared.
If we have invented the cult of the dead, if we honor their memory, we give them tombs that we visit regularly, it is at first, for a superstitious purpose: to appease their supposed anger. Then these tributes allow them to live in us, in our minds. To accept the death of a loved one requires a profound mourning . After guilt comes sorrow and anguish is often a way of sparing pain too intense. Being anguished can be less unhappy ... And not to realize that the other is gone forever.
Marion, you are not sick, you suffer terribly . And your suffering deserves to be taken very seriously. Your obsessive thoughts will probably not go away on their own. Since you think about it, I can only encourage you to consult a competent psychoanalyst or psychotherapist who will help you to complete your grieving work and free you from your anxieties. All the symptoms you mention can be heard and relieved by therapy. And at that moment, you will be able to fall back in love, to find the pleasure of living again. Courage, Marion.