Sex: knowing how to be quiet

When we talk about sexuality, we lie, cheat, or say too much. So many ways to protect ourselves, at the risk of distorting the relationship. What if we just learn not to reveal everything?

Delphine De Malherbe

"Sex needs lies and secrets to survive the rest." This beautiful phrase by Denis Robert from Bonheur (Pocket) says all the sweetness of the illusion that we are going to look for in this intimate dive that is our sexuality. As soon as we offer our body, we reveal the part of us most secret. But to bring it to light sometimes amounts to endangering it. Anne, 46, had the sad experience: "I paid the price of transparency." With emotion, she remembers: "I was in complete rejection of a family functioning where everyone was lying, every truth was buried, giving birth to rotten situations, and in response, I started a spiritual quest for" to be in the right ", including in my sexuality, what an error ... In this field more than elsewhere, wanting to be in the right is wrong, the truth being by nature subjective." Too much to say, too much to know, Anne had locked herself into what she calls a tyranny of the truth: "I asked my man to tell me about what drove him crazy in bed.I thought I did not require anything and to hurt me to understand it False: in sexuality, nobody understands anyone. " Today, Pierre and Anne are separated, after twenty years of marriage, their relationship killed by the quest for transparency.

Words that are hard to say

Despite what an apparently ultra-liberal society is trying to make us believe, it is still difficult to tell the truth about its orgasms, its frigidity or its fantasies. But the reasons have changed. In the past, silence allowed one to conform to archaic values ​​- to talk about one's sexuality, it does not happen - sources of imprisonment. Today, lies have taken over to protect us from excessive freedom. To protect us from these obligations of transparency, performance, and these permanent exposures that are cold in the back. Because no one wants to find, in his beautiful mirror as in the eyes of the other, the reflection of someone weak in a strong world. No one wants to confide his failures, his doubts, his faults to his friends.

With them, we will seek rather an entertainment to the "dictatorship" of the daily, not to stir the knife in his own wound by admitting: "I have not enjoyed today. more." Or: "He has been disgusting me for three years, I hate the smell of his skin." Or: "We have never really been happy in bed, I do not feel anything when he enters me, I dream he takes me from behind."The social explanation of the lie hides the intimate reason, the one that dictates that the power of desire is always born of a desire to pierce the mysteries of the other, but also that the erotic charge comes from leaping into the unknown. logically, this other is more familiar to us over time.

Therefore, it becomes essential to protect one's own secret garden, which Pierre, 48, Anne's ex-husband, analyzes. : "There is a magic in the sensuality that resides in the unspeakable. The strongest part of a couple is the instinctive part that the lovers feel what the other wants without a word. The difficulty is to be able each day to guess the fantasies of the other and make him dream. Conversely, the confidence, no doubt easier, will freeze the identity of everyone in the marble, to prevent it from evolving. "For Jacques, 40," those who tell their story are often d cruelty and indecency unparalleled. They can not help but pour out their worries and sufferings without the importance of their true relationship to others, their vulnerability. "Alain Héril, psychotherapist and sex therapist, says:" I have patients who admit they do not want to to talk to their spouse about the pleasure they take to masturbate. They have thundering orgasms alone ... but never enjoy with their partner. "

Leave Your Comment