I analyze everything
I analyze everything in my life, the least sentence, the slightest gesture or look of the other. This sometimes generates hours of insomnia or deconcentration at work because I will rehearse a word said in a tone that I did not like. I met my companion recently and I spend my time dissecting all his words: "Is there any implication in what he tells me? ". Why is the fact that the other does not like everything about me so annoying for me? Why this reaction that I have difficulty understanding and controlling, which makes me unbearable and makes me suffer. Angela, 28
Psychiatrist and psychotherapist
I perceive a lot of fear and insecurity in your need to control your partner and this may refer to a pattern of behavior , from the past, where the child you were, was confronted with parents themselves in a lot of emotional control and mastery.
Sometimes a parent who is very emotionally "stuck", and therefore not very expressive, can have very high expectations or demands on his child: he expects a lot from him but he does not say anything and the child Capturing these implicit demands, is found in the very destabilizing situation where he must "guess" what the adult expects of him, without it explicitly asking him. The parent passes powerful messages (eg emotional requests, or messages of hostility or guilt) to the non-verbal level, messages that the child has no choice but to interpret as he can (with all the margin of error that implies).
Meeting the expectations of the parent is a major issue for the child. It must be answered because that is how he thinks he can be loved. He is ready for anything. Nevertheless, because of the "parental silence", the child is never sure if what he does or says is "good" or "bad", if his parent is happy or dissatisfied: this uncertainty generates a huge stress in the child; he settles in him a lived of "chronic doubt" where he is constantly on the lookout, and where he puts himself under pressure internally to try to be "fitting" with what he believes that his parent waits of him, without ever being sure of his stroke!
The reaction to your companion is characteristic: it shows very clearly the emotional reactivation of these scenarios and conditions of the past. He seems to be replaying with him what has already been played out in your past history - that's where you have to look. You say, "I feel like I'm always afraid of losing my favors or that he does not want me anymore or does not love me as I am." That's certainly what you feared as being child: to lose favor with parents and to be "abandoned" by them (what you feel today when you say, "As soon as the other is no longer connected with me, I feel abandoned").
A psychotherapeutic work is needed for you: the challenge is to discover the relational scenarios of the past that are reactivated constantly as soon as there is an emotional issue. Without knowing it, you live a situation of the past, transposing it unconsciously in the present and it cuts you off from your current reality which speaks to you of everything else: the presence of a man who loves you and who needs you today Today, not a little girl or a young girl imprisoned in the shackles of her past. For him, and especially for you, I urge you to undertake this work.