Should I sleep with my friend to break with his girlfriend?
For the past two years, I have been dating a boy who has never left his old friend. Yet he always says he hates her. Before he told me it was just to take revenge on her, then he said it was over. Their relationship has lasted for ten years. He says he loves me, but I know it's still not over between them, I wonder if it's because she's sleeping with him. Even if I do not sleep with him, we have sex (fellatio and sodomy) maybe it's not enough. Should I sleep with him to break up with her? I can not leave him, I have already done it and have always come back to him. Mimi, Algeria
Your friend pretends to hate the woman with whom he has a relationship for ten years. He must be a masochist and love to suffer. Strange, this relationship that has lasted so long and that leads to nothing well defined. You do not ask any questions? Your friend says he likes you, but does he evoke projects for two, what is happening between you, outside your secret meetings? What are you doing in this story, what is your place? Why do you agree to share a man with another woman?
Your insistence on staying indicates that apparently you are "addicted". And I feel very lonely and very helpless in this story. Also, try to make the point: what does this boy represent for you? Does he remind you of someone who counted for you when you were a kid? All our adult love choices come from our childhood loves. There must be a reason for yours. It would be important for you to discover and analyze it. Because, without wanting to play the clairvoyants, there is little chance that your friend leaves, for you, this woman whom it frequents for ten years. That they stay together is not a coincidence. He finds his account somewhere. Maybe he is a little pervert and he likes to make her suffer by making her jealous? On the other hand, she may reject it, and this rejection has the value of a well-deserved punishment, because deep down, he feels dirty, unworthy. Perhaps he is simply polygamous and feels particularly at home with two partners.
The assumptions are not lacking because human loves are very complex. In addition, you live in a culture where males have all rights and are encouraged to exercise them. While to women, almost everything is forbidden regarding sexuality. Do not imagine that the problem, with your friend, results from the absence of complete sexual intercourse between you. Rather, he resides in his refusal to forge an authentic relationship of love, tenderness and respect with you.But, that's his problem!
As far as you're concerned, the number one obstacle may be a lack of self-confidence, which prevents you from going out of this relationship where you are just suffering from your partner's moods. Rest assured, you are neither the first nor the only one to stagnate in a relationship with a man not free. But this situation when it lasted three - and is repeated - most often originated in an unconscious fear of becoming a woman. This trio that you describe (she, him, you) strongly recalls the configuration "mom, dad, the little girl", where mom and dad are together and the small necessarily in third position. Wake up! You grew up. You are no longer a little girl dependent on the will of others, it is up to you to build your destiny. Nobody will do it for you. But, of course, you have a choice.
Nothing forbids you to love a man who is not free and to stay in his shadow. Some women retain this role all their lives. Only you can know what you want: a frustrating relationship, where you can not assert yourself. Or, an equal, mature bond, through which your femininity and personality will flourish.
Isabelle Taubes is a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst.