You will have to go from crisis to conflict

Jacques Salomé, psychosociologist and writer, helps you better understand your relationships with those around you. Whether in the professional environment, in the love field or in your family intimacy. A relational decryption that will allow you to progress and feel more authentic with those around you.

Nadine's message

I am 45 years old and have been married for more than twenty years. We plan to separate because:

- I feel more and more depressed about staying with him for the rest of my life;

- I do not feel anything for him for a long time (I only see his faults and feel disgusted by his physical contact);

- I do not plan to remake my life with someone else, but sometimes feel attracted to men (often younger than me)

We discussed it, it tries to hold me back speaking of the financial side. He makes efforts to improve, but does not accept that I move away. I feel that a distance would allow me to find myself. He tells me it will be worse. It is true that for two years, he has been absent for work every other week. I realized that I feel better during his absences. As my sister tells me, I used to live apart and have a hard time supporting her on weekends and the other week.

He offers me to think. It is true that my son (teenager) does not approve of our separation. He is already very macho and takes a stand for his father. For example, he tries to know who I phoned when he's at school, wants to know what I did ... In short, a real inquisition from them. I do not work officially, but am busy all day: I take care of the house, horses and give lessons. It is rare that I have time to sit down.

I want to run away and have already lost a few pounds. One of my friends has experienced the same situation. She is now separated and feels very well. She does not try to influence my decision. I envy her freedom even if she confesses to have sometimes doubted. I do not know if this situation is created by this famous questioning due to my age? Will this dead love be reborn one day? I honestly do not believe it. Do you know any cases where this happened? I hope you will have the opportunity to answer me because I understand that there are much more important cases than mine.

The opinion of Jacques Salome

1) Your desire for separation

So you plan to separate from your husband and not "We want to separate" as you write! Because for now you are the only one to have this desire, your spouse does not have the same and desiring all the more ... keep you.

Everything happens as if you needed the agreement, the endorsement of your husband. Agreement or downline that you will not have. It is very rare for a couple, who could not find an agreement during their married life, to find an agreement to separate. Yes you are for the moment the only one to have this desire and what you say about your relationship and your feelings is strong enough to keep your desire for separation alive.

2) How to make it?

The question is whether you want to realize that desire and how.

It will therefore be necessary to distinguish:

• the desire of the project

• the project of its realization.

But to move from the "desire to leave or end a conjugal relationship" - which actually expresses the crisis of your relationship - to the project is to move from crisis to conflict. That is to say, a confrontation in which the balance of power will be measured. In this phase there are wounds that wake up and new disappointments that are discovered, violence that is born.

For now you are only in desire, to hear: in your imagination. When you have started a process of consultation (lawyer, possibility of finding an apartment or a sharing) you will have a foot in the project (in reality) and open ... the conflict.

3) Possible obstacles

Then there will be different elements that will favor or obstruct the realization of this project. I invite you not to let your son believe that he has power over your married life and your life choices.

When you are in the project, if you do not let yourself be stopped or defined by the other, you can define yourself in front of him "It's not your father that I leave, but my husband, a separation, a divorce ends the conjugal relationship, not the parental relationship, I always see you as my son and I see the man I'm going to leave as your father ".

In any separation, the link must be remembered and not mixed.

Sincerely on this way of life,

Jacques Salome

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