So we would rather be alone rather than take risks?
Inner brakes or imposed codes, these barriers are not there for nothing: they protect us. Of course, no one likes to live alone and without love. But for some, the sufferings of loneliness are preferable to love and its risks. All in all, we can find our balance in celibacy, which brings us, often unconsciously, secondary benefits. Until the day when the price to pay will be too heavy. The failure of too much, the breakup of too much will tip the scales: the desire to love and to be loved will take over our fears. But here, I speak of a true desire, ours, unique and singular, without need or will to correspond to a norm. It will then be necessary to accept to give, to give up, to invest a little of oneself in the meeting: it is the only way to receive something of it.
Do you have to wait for the click or go see a psychiatrist?
Let go, yes; to wait passively, no. Reflecting on oneself and opening up to others is an active step. It is sometimes difficult to bear alone. If the suffering is too great, if there is urgency, consulting a therapist can be a solution. It will not make our fears disappear, but will help us live with them. The analytic approach does not lead to knowledge but to ignorance, because to get rid of one's prejudices is also to admit that we know nothing. In front of the complexity of the love, its elusive mystery, the ideal would be to say to oneself: "Anyway, since nobody understands nothing there, let's go ?!" Like a child falls in love, without barriers, without
limits, in complete freedom.
Véronique, 44, business lawyer, alone for five years
"I'm probably afraid of being disturbed"
"When I go home, I look at my apartment and I'm proud of it: it's me who made it all over again, with the money I had put aside, all by myself, I'm doing everything alone, my husband left me there He lives abroad, and I raise our two boys, I run everywhere, all day, work, school, birthdays: I want to assume everything, never to inspire pity. I do not have time to meet a man I tried dating on the Internet: I found it too creepy I'm looking for something more serious than an adventure of a night With a man that I would not have to take in hand, on the contrary, I would like a shoulder on which to support me a little.I would like to be in love, of course ... I go on vacation in club, I'm introduced to men, may For now, it does not help.I know that will happen. When the children will be bigger, no doubt. Anyway, in my new apartment, there is not even a closet for a man? ! Perhaps, in the end, I give neither the space nor the time necessary for love. I'm probably afraid to suffer again. To have new constraints and to be disturbed ... When my husband left me, I began to have tastes, values, opinions that were proper to me. It's a great pleasure to know who I am, what I'm worth, what I want. To be a person who stands alone, without the need for crutches. And I do not want to give it up. It would probably be necessary that I walk looking up to cross looks. That I stop doing as if I were perfectly autonomous. To finally leave an open door. "
Peggy, 28, executive assistant, alone for two years
" Love, for me, this is not the time "
" But how does it make you not a couple? ! ! "How many times have I been asked this question ... We imagine that I have a problem, or that I'm hiding something. As if you had to be with someone to be happy. Except that nothing is fixed: yes, I'm single ... Until the day I meet someone? ! I am a little blue flower, so I believe it. I let it come, I do not seek the meeting. But above all, very sincerely, for me, this is not the moment. It's a choice. I do not want to engage in a story, as long as I do not know better who I am and what I want. I was caught by the couple. I had two very long passionate relationships. They ended badly, both for the same reasons: my two companions were sickly jealous, sometimes even to violence. I went to bed, I never got upset. I did not know how to set limits. Today, I want to learn how to do it before being in a relationship again. For a little over a year, I find my dose of pleasure and tenderness in light adventures, which do me good. I live my celibacy above all like a true freedom. And, at the same time, of course, I wonder. The others seem so much to find my abnormal situation that I end up wondering if it is not. To arrive alone in a dinner where there are only couples is not always obvious. Sometimes, when I see lovers kissing in the street, I look away ... Sometimes I look at them, I find them beautiful: I know that it will happen to me too. When will I be ready? I have the time.